Fare Forward

i cannot express how much i do not want to do my work and all i want to do is have an interesting conversation, drink a brew and play some buck hunter. life was so much simpler before major responsibility.

my life has hit a wall, and though it is not coming full circle for myself, my grandpa is pretty much touching homebase for his baseball game in life. and so i can only hope that if something is after death that my grandpa loves it as much as he loved this life. it's so hard because i have been there with him every morning for a month now and i've seen him deteriorate greatly. But i am glad that it has been this way rather than not being with him at all. I was close to all my grandparents but Bruce and I really connected. Wrong is not in our vocabulary unless it is someone else that is wrong, our way is the right way, dogs are truly our best friends, our hands are our greatest tools, our hearts are always 100% in on what we truly believe in. I'm really going to miss him when he is gone. I can only imagine what my mother is going through. But she is so strong that I can only hope to be half of the woman that she is. yeah so cliché but still it's true.

We all know death is a part of life, but still we are never prepared for it. And even now we are "prepared" but so far from it. I am a wreck but must control it to the point that it is nonexistent. I am not a person that holds in these kind of emotions. I try to be tough, but really I am so affected by moments of such weakness that right now is possibly the strongest I have ever been. There is too much on my plate, and I know that if I let Bruce's sickness affect on my professional life he would die unhappy with himself. So I will not let this moment of life that is death make a defect in my life after death. But I am still hurting.

"Not fare well,
But fare forward, voyagers."

Thank you T.S. Eliot, for making these moments in time, last forever, moving forward, towards death, and life.

~L.

The Surrounded by D'Arcy McNickle

Resisting Assimilation


Assimilation is a heart wrenching graphic story to tell. D’Arcy McNickle dives deep into the topic in his novel The Surrounded, written during the 1930’s when the status of an Indian was gaining rights and respect from non-Natives. He draws from painful pasts, torn families, broken down communities, and saddened souls. This novel has pushed aside the neatly told history of the West and brought us closer to the realities that Native Americans’ faced during the time of lies, deception, and broken promises. The battle to survive is thick within the text; it shines through the cracks of the story in characters such as Mike, Narcisse, Catharine, and Archilde. Their resistance is the future of the Salish people. And the farther along in the novel the more apparent their resistance against European ways is evident. Without these few characters to hold the line of battle this novel would depict a non-realistic view of a group that does not give up just because they are told to. These four characters hold strong to their beliefs and know resistance is not an option for their ancestors.
The resistance Mike, Narcisse, Catharine, and Archilde have in this novel is what keeps their spirits up in such a ghastly period for Native Americans. McNickle keeps the theme and respect of resistance closely tied to each of the individual characters as well as the novel as a whole story. In chapter 23 a traditional Sun Dance is held so that the youth can rejuvenate their spirits from a long painful year at the Mission School. “The dance was the expression of their exultation at being alive, it sang of their pride, their conquests, their joys” (McNickle 203). They are pushing aside the past year of building hatred for the Catholic Fathers as well at the European traditions that were forced so monstrously upon their young souls. These people danced to feel the pumping of their hearts and their breath deep in their lungs. The danced to resist the ways forced upon the Salish people, the true natives of this bountiful land.
Youth has and always will be a resisting group no matter what circumstances arise. In The Surrounded the youth, Mike and Narcisse, are the burst of youthful resisting energy that will keep alive traditional ways of life, and the desire to be free from the over bearing powers of white law, “ there was a sound of galloping horses. Everyone turned to look down trail—and there they saw Mike and Narcisse mounted and running away. They had slipped away…” (296). They are the last to get away from the white man’s laws and they are the resistance that is hoped for in future times to come for the Salish. These two boys have a plan to keep to themselves not bother anyone and live a free life off the land like their ancestors before them. In chapter 28 a picture of a camp is painted for the audience. This camp is filled with spirit and hope, dreams that a better life is possible.
He learned then that they had been living out there for several weeks.
They intended to go on living there. They had a tepee and blankets and cooking pots and they killed their own food. They had a good time. They danced. Nobody could tell them what to do (245).

These boys are determined to survive in a world that cannot be tainted with foreign laws and unfair justice. If no one could help them succeed in this dream of freedom and equal justice, they would make it themselves, with vengeance pumping through their veins.
Faithfull Catharine an ageing Salish woman gave birth to Archilde as well as Mike and Narcisse’s mother. Her traditional ways lie deep within her heart. Though she had devoted her accumulating years to the Catholic faith and the fathers that roamed the reservation converting fearful souls, the deep burning in her heart to be herself in her traditional manner succeeded the alien religion. In the beginning of the novel the resistance in her character is explained in this description, “when you came home to your Indian mother you had to remember it was a different world” (3). Her resistance might not be a strong headed as her grandsons’, but her resistance comes with many years of assimilating ways, and forced religious beliefs. Is it because of her age and the trouble she has seen in the many years she has lived in the Flathead Valley that makes her inner beliefs nudge through her devotion to Catholicism? Or is it her children and grandchildren that bring out the inner youth in her old age to fight the termination of her people? Whatever the reason is, Faithful Cathrine was not as faithful to the Fathers as they thought they had taught her to be. “When he spoke [Catholic Father]…the old lady would pretend that she did not hear, because it made her feel sad to be told that the past was evil” (174). In Catharine’s heart her past is sacred and important to the survival of an ancient culture that life should not end. Her struggle that lie internally was a battle that was not worth giving up.
And finally we come to our hero of the tale, Archilde, a mixed blood of Spanish and Salish Indian heritage. His battle to find his identity and stay true to himself leads him in the path of resistance towards the white man’s ways. Though he is a law abiding citizen, or at least puts that mask on, he puts up defenses towards the missionaries, as well as his father and other non-natives he encounters while home. He had been assimilating himself in the city of Portland, Oregon playing a white mans instrument—the fiddle—and making money to pay for his white man life style. But like what said in the quote above, coming home to your Indian mother is completely different. “Tomorrow he would go fishing. He would look at the sky some more. He would ride his horse. Then wherever he might go, he would always keep the memory of these things” (14). His home was free, away from the city, away from the laws that bound him to his blood quantum, a world where his spirit could roam freely though the mountains. Though Archilde had been in the city and taken on white man customs, his mother’s heritage and traditional ways never seemed to have left his mind. He could not escape who he was, and who he was becoming back home in Montana. His mother, Catharine, knew of this undeniable devotion to their ancestors. It was a blanket of truths that his ancient ancestors held over his family. Mike, Narcisse, Catharine, and himself all had the chance to leave their roots behind them. But the reality in their lives is they could not escape their past no matter how far they traveled. “There in his mother’s tepee he had found unaccountable security” (222). Archilde is using his mother to help build his strength up to resist the ways he has been submerged in for most of his life. Perhaps Faithful Catharine’s journey through life is a lesson that Archilde learns during his stay at his mother and fathers estate. And he, half native, does not want to have to give into his European side just because it is the acceptable way of life. Archilde protects his nephews from the pressures of assimilation, and tries to stay honest with his white enemies. Our hero of the story resist his non-native background and attempted to instill the traditional values and the hope his people have had for centuries prior to his arrest.
The process of assimilating plagues the United States’ past. The Surrounded explains nothing less than the truth behind assimilation, “only one thing they [Indians] didn’t understand, and that was sin. We [Catholic Fathers] taught them, and that was the beginning of their earthly happiness” (136). The idea behind this quote shadows all other ideas and realizations of the idea of assimilation. It would seem the purpose behind teaching Indians about sin, would be the ability to call them sinners, and have them understand. Each time a priest taught a student the idea of sinning, and the meaning behind sin, in the Catholic religion seems as if it is a sin in itself. It is the fact that the priest did not want to be see as less in the eyes of God and fellow belivers than the native savages that roamed the country like wolves stalking its pray. Our characters resisted the white man through knowing their culture and their religion. Archilde understood the consequences of a war with white society. He kept his roots close to his heart, and even when he was arrested, he did not lose faith and had hope in his heart. As it has been said many a time before, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies even closer.

Will Bullying Ever End??

I found something heartfelt and awe inspiring:

"Freedom. What does it mean? Do we feel free in our homes? Do we feel free when we are in nature? Do we feel free when walking down the street to school, to the dog park, to the grocery store? Do we know we don’t have freedom? I have lost my freedom to say, act, and believe. I have lost the freedom to be myself, because my words are not proper. They “offend” others. But what if those others’ words and even actions!! offend me and my life? What then? Do I sit back and let all this happen? Do I even have the freedom to think? My freedom of dreams is crushed, for all I dream about now is my loss of speech. The Freedom of SPEECH! Our first fucking amendment! And I can’t even have that. What a great country we live in, it is just too bad the people in it are pretentious pricks that feel like they can bully a few individuals around, because they have numbers. Well I have something to say to those numbers! And that’s FUCK OFF, you can’t silence me forever, and I will take it to the point where my life can be taken, but my voice will live on. I have and will never stop my thoughts, and if the day comes when you can read them, well so help YOU god, that when you find out what I am actually thinking doesn’t actually happen. I don’t wish death upon thee, I do not wish suffering in any physical way. I wish you the most powerful pain there is, and that is your conscious. YOUR god damn wretched self. Your thoughts that eat the very soul you have, the thoughts that consume your every moment of this pitiful life you live. A life of the bully is one waisted on pretenses trying to fuel your ego, so that you cannot see yourself for who you really are. Arrogance will be the fall of all killers of freedom. For we live in a time that no one can live the lives they desire, unless you are the bully, and even then you are not free from your mind! At least the rest of us have our freedom in our thoughts inside ourselves, inside our word that you cannot posses because of your ego getting in the way and beliving everything ANYONE says is about your pathetic life. You are not worth the breath I am exhaling right now, and yet I keep typing, because I must and will bring to the forefront of my mind and out my angered fingertips the passion I have for the demise of your freedom and your bullying ways. You the bullies of the world, are the prisoners in this life, not the ones you push around. You are the ones that have to sleep, eat, shit, walk, drive, educate, and live with yourself. I have the knowledge inside to keep me going and keep my chin that much higher than yours. I will be silent, but my silence will be the loudest voice you have ever heard."

My heart goes out to those silenced by the bullies of this world.

~L

new

the first day off since christmas eve, and my eye is swollen shut because of some allergic reaction. awesome.

why is the jersey shore cast even allowed to make as much money as they do?

i'm ready for a change in scenery.

why is making breakfast so hard to do on days off of work?

history channel is a great way to wake up.

history channel is great for background noise and a quick break from whatever.

will i get to travel farther than i have ever imagined?

spelling is a skill that seems to dissipate with lack of practice.

stream of conscious thoughts seem to fall short of pure ... i can't think of the word ... unaltered thought? perhaps? perhaps not.

JWB

coffee is better from my coffee pot.

i love him

man i guess it can just be fun and relaxing to write down miniature thoughts in random succession.

how i've missed my computer and my time.

some things are so simple and yet so complex.

DEATH MACHINES...the ancient world, decapitation machines, present day ancient death machines.

"obsessed with finding ways of inflicting pain"--is mans downfall to nirvana.

Assertive Women and Men

I was watching a special on MTV about Nicki Minaj the rapper/singer girl, and she made a point that I have after hearing her say it, thought about but never put into words. She made the connection between assertive women being considered bitches, and assertive men being bosses. There is no difference in the act of being assertive, the only difference is the gender of the asserter. Why can't women be bosses that are assertive and knoble? Men are considered great leaders if they push people and demand their best. But women show the desire to push and demand greatness out of their employees and they are not praised, they are punished with foul comments behind their backs. Dang something has to change.

lemons

so many lemons and little lemonade.

But we must keep working for that sweet taste. and we must keep our head up even in the worst blizzard, for we do not know where we are going unless we are looking ahead at our unclear path.

bless those that I love, and those that are loved by others, not for what we think about them, but for what we believe in them.

1920's "The Big Rock Candy Mountain"

we all have a place that we dream of in sleep, that we search for while awake, that we escape too in times of pain, and a place we visit when we are searching for inspiration, and it is the place that our minds create what we have inside of us.

we must search for places like this in our lives, to remind us that life is one big journey. Suggested readings for some light on this subject: T.S. Eliots The Four Quartets. hah who would have guessed?