i cannot express how much i do not want to do my work and all i want to do is have an interesting conversation, drink a brew and play some buck hunter. life was so much simpler before major responsibility.
my life has hit a wall, and though it is not coming full circle for myself, my grandpa is pretty much touching homebase for his baseball game in life. and so i can only hope that if something is after death that my grandpa loves it as much as he loved this life. it's so hard because i have been there with him every morning for a month now and i've seen him deteriorate greatly. But i am glad that it has been this way rather than not being with him at all. I was close to all my grandparents but Bruce and I really connected. Wrong is not in our vocabulary unless it is someone else that is wrong, our way is the right way, dogs are truly our best friends, our hands are our greatest tools, our hearts are always 100% in on what we truly believe in. I'm really going to miss him when he is gone. I can only imagine what my mother is going through. But she is so strong that I can only hope to be half of the woman that she is. yeah so cliché but still it's true.
We all know death is a part of life, but still we are never prepared for it. And even now we are "prepared" but so far from it. I am a wreck but must control it to the point that it is nonexistent. I am not a person that holds in these kind of emotions. I try to be tough, but really I am so affected by moments of such weakness that right now is possibly the strongest I have ever been. There is too much on my plate, and I know that if I let Bruce's sickness affect on my professional life he would die unhappy with himself. So I will not let this moment of life that is death make a defect in my life after death. But I am still hurting.
"Not fare well,
But fare forward, voyagers."
Thank you T.S. Eliot, for making these moments in time, last forever, moving forward, towards death, and life.
~L.
